The end of 2018 and the beginning of 2019 has been a real hard time for me. From losing multiple friends, coming down from traveling Europe having the best 6 months of my life, and settling back home in the states. All of these things mixed together put me in a weird place and mood in my life, although things are going very good for me with my art and I am able to survive through that income, I still feel like a drastic change has been happening and the transition has been really rocky. On 1/24/19 I was the most depressed I been in a really long time, I’ve never felt suicidal, but I definitely was feeling like not being here. I wanted to be completely gone and escape for a long time. In 2016 and 2017 I was sober from new years day, until mid-may usually to start the year off clean, focused and pure. During those months I would micro-dose LSD a bunch, and it was honestly the best thing I could have been doing. It set me up good for the year, I was doing it a few times a month and working on art, or just simply using it as medicine. This year I decided to do the same, especially after a long summer of alcohol and drugs.
That day I was feeling shitty and low I decided that maybe its time to get some acid and figure things out. I did everything that day to make sure my next day was open and I had nothing else going so I can just focus on myself. The next morning I woke up early at 6 am, went to the gym, ate a good breakfast and chilled until my food was digested properly. I packed my journal, a hoodie, and some bike tools in case anything were to happen.
12:30 pm I turn my phone on airplane mode, and take the medicine, got on my bike and biked to the market to grab a few things for my day. When I get there I realize I’m a little hazy, I get an energy bar and a big bottle of water. Soon as I get on my bike I already start feeling Euphoric as I am riding down on the coast along the beach. I felt like I was high like I took a few hits of a blunt. As I’m riding I see these palm trees that look perfect with the blue sky behind it and no clouds around it, looked like a painting.
I continue and ride down the beach and find a chill spot by the water and drink some water and eat my energy bar, that's when it really starts kicking in. I’m sitting there like fuck I took a full dose by myself and its only 20mins in and its coming in strong, I could tell it was some really good acid. As I’m sort of panicking talking to myself in my mind like "here it is, and its coming fast" while telling myself to chill out, the song “Rocko’s Slipping” by Hector Gachan comes on in my headphones. The lyrics begin with “Cmon man I think its time that you let goo, nothing really to hold on anymorrrre”.
I swear that moment blew my mind aha it definitely happened for a reason, I took as a sign, after that I realized in order for me to get the most out of this trip I’m really going have to let go and let what happens, happen. Chilled for a few moments longer and watched the ducks, seen a few seals and tried to imagine their lives.
Got up and biked towards the bay and chilled at another spot by the water and listened to a Terence McKenna speech over some music, writing in my journal:
“The ocean is bright, the boats are far.”
“History is just a 25,000-year dash, from the trees to the starship” - Terence McKenna
As I’m chilling there with my notebook I’m reading everything my friends from Ibiza wrote for the past two seasons. Aisha writes:
“We need to take acid or some shit together next season, come to Gibraltar you will always have a friend there”
So relatable lmao.
I was there for almost an hour or so and realized the high school will be out soon, and it's between me and my next destination. I started packing my things quick like fuck I need to get there before the streets are flooded with kids, as I’m rushing and get to the main road, its filled with loads of kids just getting out. I was like fuck I guess I have to face all these people while I’m tripping balls, I get over it and realize how much I was overreacting and being a bitch lol acid will remind you of that.
I’m now on the navy base on a bench hot as fuck with my everyday flannel on that has another hit of acid in the pocket of it, and coach jacket. I look to my left and see an old Asian man in full military uniform fishing, I can’t stop laughing lol like why is this bruh fishing in his uniform. I’m sitting around just taking everything in, left of me is the man fishing, to the right is a continuous bike lane/trail, and in front of me is the ocean. At this point the trip has been super beneficial to me, I was happier then I have been all month and I was by myself. I remember sitting there and these kids about 5-7 years old are riding their bikes behind me and talking and it made me feel relaxed and peaceful, and when anybody else walked by and talking who was a adult and was on their phone chatting shit it was way more stressful. Hella gave me a train of thought on how much more the kids were enjoying themselves, and how much they were in the present moment. I loved it.
The sun was getting more hot, and I look at my phone and my background on my phone is going crazy, I look at the grass and it was bright neon green. I love when the visuals lose control, as I’m listening to Beg by Hot Since 82. I went on a little bike ride and went towards the USS Hornet, huge Navy Ship that's suppose to be haunted. The base is completely shitty, but soon as you get to the property of the ship all the roads are fresh and smooth, all I could think of was these mad bastards are selfish as fuck lol.
I biked around and came across this entrance that I use to always see in High school with a jet, and they were knocking everything down. It was crazy seeing something I seen throughout my whole childhood was getting knocked down in front of me, while I was on acid.
4:00 pm I biked around to this old tree me and some homies use to climb, and I come across loads of mushrooms growing. I decide to hang out there for an hour or so observing these mushrooms. I could see these mushrooms breathing, and feel that they are alive. I write in my journal:
“You can tell they’re alive, you feel them breathe, I can feel their pulse. Its madness how these things just grow innit”
“Who the fuck was the first person to eat these, imagine thinking this was food then you start tripping and think you’re gonna die and the mushroom just looks at you like shouldn’t have eaten me nigga”
I’m now sitting back at the bench and start thinking of my sister Oona, and how much I wish she was here and how some Ket would be amazing right now aha. The sun feels amazing. I realize the sun is going to come down soon as I get on my bike and the song “South of the river” by Tom Misch comes on and at that moment I felt soo fuckin good riding down on the coast, I was smiling ear to ear. If you haven’t please give it a listen aha
5:00 pm and I’m almost on the exact corner of shoreline where it turns in to Washington Park, I jump down on the sand and get a nice spot. I'm staring hard into the sun and it's making the whole sky rainbow, like a tie-dye sky. I get my journal and write:
“I can’t stop looking at the last bit of the sun, this is how people in the 60s fucked up their cornea”
“The mix between the tones of the sky, it looks like gold being melted on a carrot laid on the surface of the ocean. It doesn’t make sense, but I’m watching it M8”
I took my headphones off, and that was the first time during that whole day that I didn’t have my headphones on listening to music. I was listening to the waves moving, the bird's wings flapping, and people from a distance talk about how beautiful the sky is. I began to write:
“Today has taught me loads, I still see rainbow or green and orange aura around my notebook as I write. I needed today tremendously. I need to just let things be and ride it out. I know Taj somewhere out there feeling the same. I love you Taj. You might really be the only one who understands me, and you been down the hall my whole life my nigga lmao. I need to focus on this art show, there's nothing left to do, but to do it. Looking forward to painting tomorrow. its either now or never.”
I'm watching the waves as the sun is waving bye to me in the back, I already miss the sun. “The color of the ocean is like a milk latte mixed with purple”. I feel like I just watched the sky rest its eyes, almost instantly became night in an instant. I bike up and down the coast of the beach listening to music for the next hour, stop by at the beach again and lay down and look at the stars and all the activity, although there was a lot of light pollution I can still see a lot of stars.
9:11 pm, I get home and I and my mom start talking about turtles, she told me when she was in the war some guys brought back some turtles and she said you can hear the turtles crying and you can see tears coming down their eyes, my mom started crying haha. Hella reminded me of the past summer when me and my sister Amanda Higgins had a movie night in my room and watched turtle documentaries and laughed our asses of aha i hella miss her. Watched some turtle documentaries with my mom, watched Martin, and The Wayans Bros with her and laughed so much lol. Then got in bed and listened to some deep house and started drawing till I fell asleep.
That day was my favorite day since I been back from Europe. No matter how good I am doing I sometimes find it hard to realize these things and feel like I can always be doing better. Its good to be driven and motivated to keep producing more, but you need to always remember not to burn yourself out, its ok to take a day to yourself and reflect or relax. Having my journal with me and writing my thoughts all day has helped me more than i thought it ever could. I usually trip with friends and never have time to write or have moments to myself, but this trip was all about me and my thoughts. I came to the conclusion of a lot of things that were bothering me, like planning these next few months before I leave for Europe again, what direction I want to go in with my art, and most importantly how it's okay to outgrow your friends. That was something that has been lingering with me for a long time, and it finally came to a conclusion that it is okay to move on, it doesn’t have to be hate or no love, simply it's just on to another chapter. I will forever be grateful for the medicinal use of LSD and the benefits it has for us humans. I know LSD may not be for everybody, but one hit by yourself, with no phone, or social media for 24 hours can change your life. See Y'all South of the river.
More photos from my day below: